March Snipness aka Vas Madness

“Sometimes a player’s greatest challenge is coming to grips with his role on the team.”
-Scottie Pippen

It takes two to tango, but if your experience to get pregnant with your partner was anything like mine, then you know it can take months upon months of “trying.” I hate the word trying and don’t get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next guy, but when you’re trying, actually trying to get pregnant, then the horny 15 year old kid inside your subconscious has a hard time keeping up.

Well after your first child is onto solid foods and you finally start having the chance to “reclaim the breasts” you may think, like I did, that your 6th grade teacher was lying about how easy it is to get a girl pregnant. So neither of you nor your wife are as careful. Well, guess what? You’re expecting miracle #2.

Well after your first child is potty trained and your second one is eating solid foods, you may think twice about birth control. Which brings me to the popular subject of the vasectomy. The reason I bring this up now is two-fold: First, I want to introduce myself and a bit of my personal story and second, to debunk the idea that March Madness is the time to get snipped.

My brother in law was the first to bring up the idea of what I’m calling March Snipness. He wanted to get himself, some of his frat brothers and me all together to watch the games, sitting on our clearly labeled bags of frozen peas. Logistically, this idea never panned out so I ventured out on my own and made the appointment.

To answer the question going through your mind: yes it hurt, but not as bad as you’ve imagined. The most painful part was the needle giving me the numbing medication. If you’ve ever had a filling put on a tooth, this is on par with the initial pain of that injection. The rest of the pain is that dull pain you feel after you get racked. Not the “I-want-to-projectile-vomit-pain” of the impact, but the dull pain that sets in about 5 minutes after impact. Now that pain doesn’t go away for like 24-48 hours but is very manageable with Tylenol and ice.

WARNING – I am about to get graphic. You’ve been warned if you decide to keep reading.

So what does this have to do with March Madness? Well, in theory, you can relax and watch the games, drink some beers, hang out with friends and maybe even have your loving wife make some wings for you and the boys. In reality, guys cannot watch sports without yelling or standing up quickly in celebration. Let me let you in on a secret: it hurts like a SOB to yell for a good 48 hours after surgery. And for the part no one told me: standing too quickly or lifting even the smallest child using only your arms will cause the small, unstitched incision on your scrotum to spring a leak. You will think you suddenly lost bladder control and full on pissed yourself. You think that has to be the answer since there’s no way that much fluid just came from your sack.

No one wants that to happen in front of your best guy friends because the point guard for the team you’ve never cared about before, just hit a buzzer beater to go to the Round of 32 where they will surely lose to a Kansas or Gonzaga or whatever team you chose to win your broken bracket. Take it from someone who’s been there and choose a nice quiet couple of days off from work where you can adjust all you want, grab extra frozen bags of who cares what out of the freezer and put them back with no one being the wiser and ultimately, change your underwear a couple times in peace.

Reference

In case you haven’t heard of this idea, it exists and USA Today just wrote about it here. And since I survived my procedure, I’d highly recommend Dr. McCormack at Nevada Urology. If someone is going to take sharp objects down under, they better have gone  to Princeton and Stanford.

 

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