Witches and demons. Ghosts and goblins. Devils and monsters.

These (usually adorable) creatures used to roam the streets of suburbia on Halloween, wandering from house to house. Every knock and ringing doorbell signified the arrival of another group of evil spirits, there to demand treats at threat of “tricks”. (Yes, this social contract is the lesson we teach American children about terrorism. IT WORKS!)

But the undead are largely disappearing from our quiet neighborhoods. For years challenged by police officers, faeries, fire fighters, and astronauts, the servants of evil still kept ahold of the day. They had no idea what was coming.

The denizens of hell are retreating, whipped back into their fiery pits by a force infinitely more powerful. One can feel the reach of of its grip in every American home, see it’s white-gloved hand wrapping itself around the heart of every American child. Three fingers and a thumb grasp their very souls.

It trades under the stock ticker: DIS.

Avengers run alongside Darth Vader and Kylo Ren, storming porches from coast to coast. Giggling gaggles of girls in gowns flock the streets; Moana, Belle, and 80 years of make-believe royalty.

Marvel, Star Wars, and the Disney Princess collection have taken control of the streets, and they will never let it go.

Ironman and Elsa. Maui and Rey. Luke Skywalker and Lightning McQueen. Your friendly neighborhood Spiderman slinging web while Finn is swinging a lightsaber. Winnie the Pooh and the Incredible Hulk. Emperor Palpatine kneels before his dark master Mickey, as do Malificent and Thanos.

Only Harry Potter and the characters of the DCEU make it even close: in Batman we trust. (*checks box office receipts*) In Wonder Woman we trust.

It won’t be enough. Nothing will save us from being swept under by the minions of the Magical Kingdom.

All Saints Day, hah! You mean the start of Christmas present season.

Why do you think they made a Cars 3?

If you’re the type who tallies the number of Trick-R-Treaters, I only ask that you keep count of two groups this All Hallows Eve: one of Walt Disney intellectual property characters, and one of everything else.

Marvel. Star Wars. Pixar. A century of Disney characters.

It’s true every day, but especially so during the most magical time of the year:

No one f*cks with the Mouse.