What the hell?! Why didn’t anybody give me the straight talk about this bullshit?! To all of you seasoned parents out there, fuck you!

Lemme explain my perturbed and prickly attitude. First off, I love my children, with all of that crazy instinctual love that makes one willing to kill or die for them. Anyone who doesn’t love their own children is just an asshole. But those who act like they love their children and act like they are the most precious thing in this world and haven’t cockblocked the shit out of their relationships and their wallet is an even bigger asshole.

Admittedly, there are those that really do fall head over heels for their kids, but I simply don’t trust those kinds of folks. I both envy and despise them because they either got access to drugs that are way out of my pay grade, or they got some sort of psycho-indoctrination that I apparently missed the memo on.

Now, back to the point: Straight talk. When my wife was pregnant, I would ask other parents what to expect. I got the same answer every goddamned time: “You’re gonna be tired.” Well, no shit. What I would have appreciated was something along the lines of, “You’re gonna wonder what the fuck you did to deserve this shit,” or “There will be times that they just won’t eat, and that’s ok. They won’t die.” These are just a few of the many words I would have appreciated hearing.

I believe that the reason for not sharing these experiences is one of two things: People don’t want to frighten you with the full truth, or they feel that because they had to suffer and pay their dues without advice, you do too. Well, if you think I don’t have the nuts to deal, eat a bag of dicks. If you are withholding because you feel it’s part of “paying my dues,” also eat a bag of dicks.

I will now impart some of my experiences to you future and current fathers of young children. Before I do so, I need you to understand that I am not pretending that I’m an expert at anything. What I do wish to convey, for those that are currently in the trenches and those who are soon to be, you are not alone. I’ve been fortunate enough to find other fathers that have shared my experiences, and I hope that you can find those whom will share theirs with you.

Here is what I have found. Bear with me, this is not a complete list:

• You’re going to be tired (ha, just being a dick, but it’s true). Get sleep when you can, and don’t be afraid to ask someone to watch the kid for a few hours to catch up on needed rest.
• Sometimes they won’t eat what you put in front of them. They may not like the shit or THEY JUST MIGHT NOT BE HUNGRY. I emphasize this because I’m a dumb primate and I had a hard time understanding that even a child that is growing so quickly may not always need the nutritional intake that you think. It took me a long time to realize this and there was a lot of yelling and tears on both sides of the high chair.
• You’re going to be the most frustrated you’ve ever been in your life, many times over, because we have this idea of putting them in a carefully constructed box of what we believe raising a child should be. Then that child is going to look you in the eye and say, “Fuck this box.”
• You are going to be lonely as shit. All of your friends and family will have this terrible idea that you are busy with the baby or young kids and they don’t want to disturb you. The result will be you get cabin fever and feel like you’ve been banished from society. Fuck….that….noise. Tell your buddies that you NEED them to come over to give you some man time to remind you that the show Caillou is not reality and the world hasn’t forgotten about you.
• You will want to shake your kid. Obviously, don’t do it. As a medic, I’ve seen that shit and it’s fucked up. What you need to know is that it’s not wrong to have those thoughts, it makes you human. The little fuckers will challenge all of your sanity. However, if you do shake your child, you are a fucking monster and you deserve to be literally crucified.
• When you are super pissed and frustrated, there is nothing wrong with putting the kid in their crib or their room and closing the door. Walk away and cool off. They won’t spontaneously combust if left alone to cry for 10-20 minutes. Another outlet is to phone a friend and simply tell them you don’t want to go to jail and you need someone to give you a break. They don’t even need to have a knowledge of children. You may just need another sensible adult to vent to.
• This may just be my experience, but I had a hard time accepting that I couldn’t do all the things that I used to. Once I finally realized and accepted that, it was a hell of a lot easier to avoid frustration. That being said, you will still be able to do some stuff with modification. For example, I love gnarly long hikes through rough country. My adaptation was to get a pack for the kid and timing the hike just right in appropriate country for a much shorter period, as well as bringing a bottle w/ some formula and a diaper. I also love working out, but my first kid had huge separation anxiety that removed the option of daycare at the gym. So, I bought a squat rack for home and made due.
• You probably won’t get laid much during the early times, so don’t be afraid to take care of yourself and fire one off on your own. Make sure you finish even if that kid starts crying, otherwise you’re gonna be pissed. That kid can wait another 1 or 2 minutes. Also, make sure the mother understands it has nothing to do with her being all post pregnant and that she is still super sexy and you would love to bone her when she is ready.
• It gets better. This was actually something some veteran fathers told me and I didn’t believe them. It’s kind of hard to see the picture when you’re inside the frame. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s true. Thank you to those gentlemen for that piece of actual info. In the future though, please elaborate a little more, it would help. Here is my elaboration. Fuck the baby stage. Yes, there are moments when you are in awe of this amazing little creature and you’re gonna be so in love with this kid your not going to know which end is up.
• You’re going to cry like a bitch at stupid kid commercials on tv. You’re going to love rocking them to sleep or cracking up at funny shit they do. But it is still a rough go and at times it is going to feel like you’re a $2 dollar whore at a lumberjack convention. It does get better fellas, I promise. I’ll tell you why in a future manifesto.
• If you take anything away from this, remember, they are completely innocent. They aren’t fucking with you on purpose, even if it feels like it. They think you are the most awesome thing in this world and if they knew how much pain and anguish they were causing you, they wouldn’t do it. They have no idea that they are making your life fucking miserable or that you have wondered how much you can get for a baby on the black market.

These are just a few of the things that I experienced. I may sound like a rage-filled beast, but my intent is to give you both barrels of unadulterated truth that no one told me. My only hope is that you take from this some ammunition to face the innocent looking little shitstorm in your home. Arm yourselves with the truth and remember that even though you are a loving father, you can still be a beast!

This is a new era with a new war and a new enemy. Let us find worthy soldiers around us that are willing to wade through the puke and shit of babies that together we may rise above the poisonous lies of those who would oppress us as the rightful warriors and kings that we once were! Band together brothers! We are the new breed of Fathers, the righteous bastards that change shitty diapers while drinking the blood of our enemies. The stalwart crusaders that tell bedtime stories and kiss our children softly while lifting heavy shit. Stand with me comrades, for we are the new pioneers in Parenthood.