Nobody Puts Boobies in a Corner


This is what my poor wife felt when she couldn’t breastfeed our first child.

Let me back up and “Tarantino” this a bit. When our first child was born, we were your general naive parents that have no clue what they are doing, but read everything and did all the classes so that we would be on top of our game when the flesh football came out hollerin’. Well, as I’ve stated in the past, I don’t think you can ever be fully prepared for the first one. But today we are going to be addressing the controversy of Breastfeeding vs. Formula.

The point of this is to give you the perspective, nay, the power necessary to fight off all of those assholes that will push one side or the other when you’re the goddamn parent that is feeding the thing. A little history on this subject from my own family: my first kid was just an asshole when it came to breastfeeding. He was like a little pink badger that was trying to destroy two of daddy’s favorite things. This caused my poor wife, who wanted nothing but to connect and care for her kid, to stress out to the max. I’m talking that exhausted crying that human beings only experience a handful of times in their lives.

On top of that, we had these overzealous hospital personnel that would make little shitty comments on how breastfeeding was the best thing for the child and really aided in the development of their brains and connection with the mother and formula wasn’t as good. Well bitch, how bout you whip out your milk sacks and we’ll have my newborn blender teach you some empathy!

After multiple attempts, we finally decided to bottle feed this kid and my wife would pump. He got a combination of pumped breastmilk and formula until he started eating solid foods. So far I haven’t seen any “mark of the beast” on him. If you want to coach and aid somebody in their time of need and you’ve got some tricks, by all means please do. But, I am a firm believer there are plenty of ways to get the job done (with infant nourishment). The ironic thing about this situation is, my second kid was a dream with the tit. He was gentle and my wife got all that feel-good stuff that comes with breastfeeding.

As a father, your job is to keep the kid alive and survive with your sanity intact. Not only that, as the patriarch, it’s up to you to defend your wife (even from herself) while she is in this fragile state of sanity. I had to ban my wife from Google for the first couple of months because she began to go down shitty, depressing rabbit holes and think she was a terrible mother and our child was going to turn into a serial killer.

The point I’m trying to make is, people are going to tell you all sorts of shit regarding what you should do; some good and some bad. Whatever you choose to do, stick to your guns and tell the opposing douchebags to fuck off. If that means your kid is formula fed, so be it! Ask around! The mothers of some of my best friends told me that they wanted no part of breastfeeding and chose to give their kid formula from the get go. Guess what? Not a meth head in the bunch, and they all still love their parents. Who knew?! If you are able to breastfeed and want to do so, get some! If you wanted to do one thing and circumstances don’t allow, adapt. Kids are pretty damned resilient.

Once more into the breach, my fellow bastards with babes.


Leave a Reply