My wife and I were aboard Alaska Airlines on our way back to Reno — part of our first roundtrip airplane ride with our 2-month-old daughter — and the flight attendant was handing out snacks.
All I wanted was some Cheez-Its.
Our daughter was fussy during the 1 hour and 45 minute flight and something was up. My wife told me she was going to change her diaper.
“Excuse me,” my wife said to the flight attendant. “Is there a changing table on board?”
“Blup, blup, splat!” was the noise that came from my daughter’s butt as she mastered the art of the blowout.
Five days earlier, on the flight from Reno to Portland, baby didn’t even open her eyes — she slept the entire time. The return flight was… well, a “shit show.”
I was told that fatherhood would test my limits. It has, but I enjoy challenges. I figured, if I could get this situation under control, my daughter would go back to sleep and I could enjoy my Cheez-Its.
After the explosion, my wife lifted our kid to find poop dripping from her onesie. A pile of it was in my wife’s lap — yellowish-brown and lumpy like cottage cheese.
It was one of the worst blowouts in one of the worst possible places – the very back of the plane. And the only lavatory was near the cockpit.
It was my time to step up. My wife needed me. She had to wipe up poop off her pants, the least I could do was wipe it off our daughter.
I grabbed my supplies, picked up my blue-eyed baby and tried not to get crap on the passengers as I made my way to the lavatory.
Have you ever seen the movie Tommy Boy? There’s a scene where David Spade and Chris Farley pretend to be flight attendants so they can get on a sold-out flight. When the plane descends, Spade goes into the bathroom to change and does so with ease.
Farley, God bless his soul, struggles mightily. There’s a specific part where the changing table comes loose, swings down and hits him in the head several times. That’s what I was hoping for; a changing table, not to get hit in the head.
I searched and searched and there was no changing table, despite what the flight attendant had told me. So I had to man up. I sat on the toilet, which only had the normal toilet seat and not the top. I put baby in my lap and went to work.
Remember when I told you I had supplies? Correction, I had two wipes. Two! And this was more than a two-wipe job.
The diaper was full and poop was all up her back. I put a burp towel on my lap and used every wipe I had, including toilet paper. Keeping her on my lap was difficult because she was wiggly, plus I can’t imagine what she was going through with all the pressure in her ears from the flight.
I reached for her clean onesie. Nope. I had forgotten it. Rookie mistake. However, overall, I was actually pleased with how I did. I had some work to do when I got back to my seat, but given the conditions, it could have been worse.
After lathering up with hand sanitizer, we got a new onesie on baby. Then, there she was, asleep in my wife’s arms. I could finally relax. On my very first Father’s Day, no less.
I picked up my Cheez-Its off the ground and opened it up.
There was only one problem… My baby’s poop got all over the bag.